Baby Jokes

    A woman at a train station spotted a man carrying two babies, one in each arm. She approached him and said admiringly, "What beautiful babies! What are their names?"
    "Beats me," the man replied, looking around.
    "Well, are they boys or girls, or one of each?" she asked.
    "I don't know," he answered abruptly.
    The woman looked at him for a few moments, then asked, "Just what kind of father are you?"
    "Oh, I'm not their father," he said, "I'm a condom salesman, and these are two complaints I'm taking back to my company."

     Item on a church bulletin board:  The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of Roy Alan Davis, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Alexander Davis.

     A pregnant woman got into a car wreck and fell into a deep coma. After being asleep for nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.
     The doctor smiled reassuringly and said, "You had twins, a boy and a girl. Both babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
    "What?!" screamed the woman. "You let my brother name my babies?! He's an idiot!" After composing herself somewhat, she then asked, "What did he name the girl?"
    "Denise," replied the doctor.
    "Oh, that's not so bad," the woman remarked. "I like Denise. What about the boy's name?"
     The doctor replied, "DeNephew."

     Question:  What's so great about being a test tube baby?
     Answer:  You get a womb with a view.

     A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor informed them that he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they might be willing to try it out. Both were very much in favor of the idea.
     The doctor set the pain transfer to ten percent, explaining that even that much was probably more pain than the father could bear. But as the labor progressed, the husband insisted that he felt fine. He even asked the doctor to bump it up a notch.
     The doctor adjusted the machine to twenty percent pain transfer, but the husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for fifty percent.
     The husband continued to feel quite well throughout the labor, and since the pain transfer was helping his wife considerably, he asked the doctor to transfer all of the pain to him.
     The woman gave birth to a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. But when they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.

     Question:  Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
     Answer:  To dayscare centers.

     Many years had passed since the embarrassing day when a young woman with a baby in her arms entered the greengrocer's shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his. "What are you going to do about it?" she asked. The greengrocer thought about this and finally offered to provide her with free produce until the boy turned sixteen years of age. The woman agreed.
     The greengrocer had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenage boy, who had been collecting the produce each week, came into the shop. "I'll be sixteen tomorrow," he said.
    "I know," said the grocer with a little smile, "I've been counting too. When you take these vegetables home, tell your mother that it's the last free produce she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
     When the boy arrived home, he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, you go back to the greengrocer and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk and free drugstore items for the last sixteen years, and watch the expression on his face."

    Bumper sticker: Condoms should be used in every conceivable situation.

     A country doctor went out during a storm to deliver a baby at a remote house. He arrived to find the expectant mother accompanied only by her five-year-old son. No sooner did the physician enter the bedroom than the electricity went out. He quickly found a lantern and instructed the child to hold it up so he could see throughout the delivery.
     Soon the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom. He then turned to the little boy and said exuberantly, "You have a new baby brother! What do you think of that?"
    "Smack him again!" retorted the five-year-old. "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place!"